


Fresh Old Wounds

by zhengxing



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Dancer AU, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 19:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11364504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhengxing/pseuds/zhengxing
Summary: Jongin's wounds are old but fresh, and he has no intent of healing them.





	Fresh Old Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> Msg to prompter: i don't think this is what you pictured at all from this prompt oops
> 
> Author notes: I understand that the current attitude towards gay people in Korea from the youth has been more positive and slowly starting to chance, but for the sake of this story the attitude will be more hostile :/Also the song Jongin and Yixing dance to has actually been covered by the two of them individually :) Lastly I couldn't have done this fic without my lovely beta charlotte who really helped me make sense so thank you so much :)))))

 

//

 

Jongin could think of many things he could be doing rather than be at this party. For starters, he could be at home napping away with his dog on his lap. Two, he could be awake and have his dog on his lap. Or three, he could be eating, (while having his dog on his lap). Anything than be at a lame welcoming party.

 

Jongin doesn’t enjoy any type of parties, period, but dragged by his friend Sehun, he didn’t really have much of a choice. Even though he’s at least acquainted with the people in the party since they’re dancers from the dance studio Jongin works at, he still manages to stand aside by himself eating all the food from the snacks table. Pitiful, but Jongin prefers it this way. No one besides Sehun talks to him in this studio anyway, since they’re all weirdly intimidated by him. It’s his face, according to Sehun, who tells him, “You’re like a sex god here, that’s why no one besides me talks to you.”

 

Still, Jongin doesn’t understand that logic. Don’t get him wrong, he still prefers people leaving him alone but the reason behind it is absurd. For that reason, there aren’t many times where Jongin is willingly surrounded by his co-workers. When he does, like at this moment, he can only watch them as they interact with one another, sharing jokes and talking about their lives, and Jongin feels like an outsider watching everyone interact. 

 

Fed up with it, Jongin takes an angry last bite of his cookie before trying to discreetly leave the party. Coming here was a mistake from the start, and no one would even mind if he left a little early, right? Whoever the new guy is, he won’t be affected as there is very little chance he will actually have to interact with Jongin.

 

He’s just nearing the door before he gets stopped. “Where are you going?” Sehun asks, obviously annoyed at Jongin’s attempt to leave the party early. Jongin sighs, feeling fed up at his friend who has ignored Jongin since they’ve arrived, even though he was the one who forced him to come. Now that Jongin wants to leave, this is when Sehun notices him again.

 

“The bathroom,” Jongin mutters, rolling his eyes at his friend. Sehun grabs his arm, trying to pull him away from the door, but Jongin is stronger. Jongin breaks from Sehun’s grip, taking his arm back and feeling more determined to leave the party. 

 

The constant chatter that filled the room the whole night suddenly stops, and a cloud of tension fills the room. Even that is another reason for Jongin to open the door to let some air out, but he’s curious. He stops, and scans the room to see what caused it.

 

“Come on, Yixing, give her an answer, yeah?” one of the male dancers starts teasing a boy. The boy, which Jongin guesses is the new dancer, has his gaze to the floor and doesn’t seem to want to look at anyone in the eye.

 

“Yeah, are you going to take her out?” another dancer starts to tease. Jongin sees one of the female dancers looking up at ‘Yixing’ with hope in her eyes. The boy is biting his lip, a grimace on his face as he continues to not look at anyone. Jongin laughs to himself, thinking the girl has no chance.

 

“I… I’m flattered really, but I like guys,” Yixing says, stumbling with his Korean. Whatever fun Jongin was having in the privacy of his thoughts disappears completely. If there was tension before, whatever is in the room now must be poisonous.

 

It doesn’t take long for the chatter to resurface the room, only this time Jongin can only imagine it’s not fun small talk about what everyone’s plans are for the weekend. 

 

Giving Sehun one last blank look, Jongin leaves. 

 

///

 

Jongin normally practices alone, for whatever dance. Jongin has only worked at the studio for a year, meaning all the dances for concerts and performances have been solos. Strictly solos. For a year, Jongin has found that solos really work for him especially given his complicated relationship with every other dancer in the studio. Naturally, you can understand Jongin’s confusion when he learns that he has to do a duet. With the new dancer, of all people.

 

“Jongin, what’s the big deal? You have to do duets every once in awhile, and I’m sorry for never assigning you one before. Yixing’s dancing would really suit your dance style, that’s why I gave him to you,” Taemin says, the studio’s dance director. He’s paying more attention to his clipboard than he is to Jongin, which makes Jongin feel more annoyed. If it would still be socially acceptable to do so, Jongin would stomp on his feet and whine until Taemin let him do a solo dance instead of a duet. Sadly, Jongin is a 23 year old man.

 

“Yes but-”

 

“No buts. Please introduce yourself to Yixing if you haven’t already, and _  professionally  _ work out your dance arrangements. Got it?” 

 

“Taemin, surely you know…” Jongin starts, but doesn’t finish the sentence hoping he still gets his message across. _  Surely you know he’s gay. _

 

“Yes, Jongin, I’m aware from all the talking around the studio. I’m a firm believer that anyone can be a talented dancer, no matter their identity. I hope you can feel that way too,” Taemin gives Jongin a half glare, looking disappointed with the younger dancer. Taemin leaves once he sees the sad look on Jongin’s face, looking almost pleased. 

 

Jongin slumps against the wall of the room, wallowing himself in self pity.

 

When Jongin was still in school, he did not pay much attention to history class (or any other class to be completely honest), meaning Jongin is not very knowledgeable in politics and the sort. Still, Jongin does not live under a rock and very much understands the attitude South Korea has towards gay people. Not only that, Jongin understands the attitude this studio has towards gay people, if the whispers and rumors are anything to go by.

 

Jongin already stands out in the studio, for being quiet and unapproachable. As much as he doesn’t want to, Jongin _ does _ care about his reputation. He  _ does _ care about the image he holds to people. While he does stand out in his studio, at least it’s a positive reason. He doesn’t want to be ignored by everyone because he associates with the guy who idiotically ruined anything good he could have at the studio. 

 

“Excuse me?”

 

In the midst of his pity party, Jongin opens his eyes to the person that could potentially ruin his reputation and life. 

 

“Are you Jongin? We’re suppose to do a duet. I’m Yixing, it’s a pleasure to be working with you,” Yixing says, smiling shyly at the tanned boy. Despite Yixing introducing himself in a completely nice and friendly manner, Jongin can’t help but feel anger bubbling inside him.

 

Suppressing the anger only to an acceptable level, he answers a simple confirmation and doesn’t give anything more or anything less. With a poker face, he looks at Yixing and tells him, “Follow me. We can work on the dance in another room.”

 

Jongin stands up, not bothering to look if Yixing is actually following him. He starts walking to his usual room, not caring if Yixing is up to speed or if he’s behind. Jongin figures he can find his way. 

 

Jongin sighs once he enters his room, the anger inside him rising up again. For a year, this room has been all Jongin’s known. He’s spent hours, days, months in this room dancing with all his might and sometimes even just sitting in the room with no dancing involved at all. While just a room to others, it is Jongin’s safe space. He doesn’t want to share.

 

“So I was thinking we can do a hip hop type of dance? I have a song in mind and I think your dance style would really suit it,” Yixing says with a soft voice, not completely looking at Jongin in the eye. 

 

Jongin almost wrinkles his face in disagreement. Hip Hop dance is something he does too much and too expected of him. Ignoring it, Jongin asks “You’ve seen me dance?”

 

“Yeah, when I was deciding if I wanted to join this studio and another I watched you perform. You’re a great dancer by the way! As expected from the studio’s golden boy,” Yixing says, no longer using the soft, shy voice he was using before. Yixing offers a soft chuckle, but it only serves Jongin’s anger more fuel.

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

Any kind emotion Yixing had previously is wiped from his face, and his body completely freezes up. Taking a big gulp, Yixing stutters out an apology and bows to Jongin. Jongin only rolls his eyes, ignoring the boy in front of him and leaving the room. 

 

Even if he’d gone in with a positive mindset, Jongin believes it would have still turned out to be a complete disaster.

 

//

 

“Heard you hate the new guy,” is the first thing Sehun says to him when he sits with Jongin for lunch. Jongin grumbles while mouth stuffed with chicken.

 

“He called me the studio’s ‘Golden Boy’.”

 

“Aren’t you?” Sehun teases, before taking a piece of Jongin’s chicken. 

 

The term wouldn’t be inaccurate, but it still bugs Jongin to his core. He definitely gets babied by the studio directors, and they  _ are _ biased when picking who gets group or solos. Jongin, to say the least, has it pretty good. The weird thing about Jongin is that he absolutely hates special treatment, and he’d rather blend in with the crowd than stand out.

 

Perhaps Yixing could have been the new golden boy, if he hadn’t destroyed his chance starting from day one. If that, then Jongin would have been grateful. Unfortunately, Yixing has only been a burden to Jongin thus far. 

 

“You know I don’t like that name,” Jongin says, taking the chicken leg Sehun’s eating away. Sehun whines, but Jongin continues to glare at him as he takes angry bites of his chicken. “Take my title?”

 

“As if. The girls here all think I’m like 3 years old,” Sehun sighs, then muttering things Jongin can’t hear but knows Sehun is probably bitter. 

 

 

//

 

Jongin can’t ignore Yixing forever, according to not only Sehun but that devil Taemin, too. Jongin knows they’re right, but it isn’t until Jongin feels his anger has subsided that he finally contacts Yixing to tell him he wants to try it out again. 

 

Jongin is walking into his room when he notices that Yixing is already there. He’s playing around with the stereo looking perplexed and it worries Jongin. He drops his dance bag on the floor hoping that it distracts Yixing to stop messing around with the electronic.

 

“Oh, Jongin?” Yixing says, his mouth shaped like an ‘o’. Jongin nods at him as his greeting as he walks to Yixing. 

 

Yixing goes back to trying to figure the stereo out, doing exactly what he shouldn’t be doing to it. Jongin lets out a frustrated sigh.

 

“Here, let me,” Jongin shoves Yixing out of the way. Figuring Yixing was trying to start the music, Jongin successfully does so.

 

Rolling his eyes, Jongin starts thinking this guy is on another level of idiotic. Jongin even starts questioning if the guy can even dance. Sure, he obviously had to have an audition to get in, but it’s not like there’s not been cases where people have bribed their way in. It’s a good dance studio, for starters. “Dance for me.”

 

“Excuse me?” Yixing’s blank face morphs into shock, his eyebrows shooting up to his forehead causing his forehead to crinkle up. Jongin hits play to whatever song is up, and motions for Yixing to start dancing. Hesitantly, Yixing walks farther away from Jongin, first bopping his head and getting a sense of the rhythm of the song.

 

When Yixing starts dancing, Jongin is shocked to say the least. He’s never seen someone so light and their feet, moves so smooth like water yet so hard like steel. As he watches Yixing, Jongin analyzes his entire dance style, noting Yixing seems to like a sexier concept for dancing rather than artistic, as Jongin prefers. As he dances, Jongin feels like another person has possessed that guy he knows to be as Yixing, because this Yixing is radiating of confidence. Jongin thinks that their duet will work out after all.

 

“Stop,” Jongin says. Yixing immediately stops the move he was about to make, and it’s like the confidence he had while he was dancing has suddenly broke, and he’s back to being the weird shy kid Jongin feels so much anger towards. Jongin sees Yixing is still confused, if his countenance is anything to go by. Jongin can’t tell if the blank look is just his normal face or every other emotion this guy has. “Now we can both say we’ve seen the other one dance.” 

 

Yixing nods, understanding why Jongin made him dance. “So, about the type of dance, do you agree we should go for a more hip hop type?”

 

Jongin thinks about it, whether a hip hop style would really show both of theirs full potential. If Jongin has to do a duet, it’s going to be one of his best performances. Hip hop style would be staying in his comfort zone, as well as for Yixing. “Actually, I’m thinking we can do a more of an R&B style? I haven’t really done much of this style, so I was thinking of trying something different.”

 

Yixing’s face lights up, nodding enthusiastically. “I love this style the most, actually. I don’t get to dance it often, though. My old studio preferred me break dancing.”

 

“Great, then it’s settled,” Jongin smiles at Yixing for the first time. Though not his most genuine smile, at least they have finally met in the middle despite their differences.

 

Thus the two dancers began to choreograph their dance, picking the song  _ Let Me Know _ by NLT. It wasn’t hard for Jongin to choreograph, but he did get stumped every once in awhile. Yixing was there of course, he was more helpful than Jongin had thought he’d be. When it came to dancing, Jongin already figured that Yixing had more confidence, so it didn’t shock him when Yixing didn’t hesitate to tell Jongin if he didn’t like a certain move or if he gave another suggestion instead.

 

The two were so concentrated in doing this dance, even if they were both completely soaked in sweat and their limbs were begging them to rest, they didn’t realize that the sun had long set and everyone else in the studio had gone home. Not an unusual occurrence for Jongin, but he does feel a bit bad for making Yixing stay so long with him as well.

 

“Well, at least we got a lot done,” Yixing said, as he started wiping the sweat on his face with a sweater. Jongin, doing the same thing, only nods his head. They really  _ did _ get a lot of the routine done, and it would only really take the next day to really complete it. It would give them plenty of time to rehearse it in time for the actual performance.

 

//

 

Restless days have gone with both Jongin and Yixing working hard for their duet. The more Jongin rehearses it, the more he starts loving the routine. He even thinks that it might be one of his favorites, and he doesn’t feel too upset about that.

 

Sehun has been begging to see the routine, but Jongin always denies him. Usually, Jongin would try to show off his routine as much as possible to his friend, to the point where Sehun would grow sick of it, but now that he’s being denied of it is when he wants it back.

 

“Come on, Jongin. I wanna see what you and the new guy have come up with,” Jongin shakes his head, and continues to silently eat his ice cream. He only ever hangs out with Sehun if there’s food involved, or else he probably won’t show up. “Are you surprised I’m curious? You oddly hate him, I think this would be pretty interesting.”

 

Jongin scowls at the younger boy, threatening to throw his ice cream at Sehun. Jongin knows he hasn’t been the nicest to Yixing, but he doesn’t exactly  _ hate _ the guy. He just questions the guy’s rationality most of the time. He did get a wrong impression on Yixing, he will admit. The guy’s actually really nice, but Jongin just can’t find himself to be nice back.

 

He tries, he really does. Whenever Yixing hands him a water bottle, Jongin mumbles out a weak ‘thank you’ but Yixing never hears it and Jongin’s mouth stops him whenever he tries to say it louder. Similar instances happen, where as much as Jongin wants to show his gratification to Yixing, his body completely goes against him and he can’t do anything about it.

 

Sometimes Jongin thinks it’s for the best. While it doesn’t hurt to be nice to anyone, Jongin thinks he has enough friends. Jongin still thinks that Yixing is someone who is too naive and not good in the head to be good friends with, and therefore thinks that any relationship between him and Yixing is strictly professional.

 

“Oh, there’s your guy,” Sehun says, making Jongin scowl more because he doesn’t know what Sehun is talking about. It isn’t until he looks in the direction that Sehun’s looking at that he sees Yixing with a shy smile on his face as he roams around the studio’s lunch area, searching for a possible seat. There’s a tiniest hint of sadness in his eyes as he continues to search around. “New guy! Over here!” Sehun yells, motioning for Yixing to sit with them.

 

Jongin widens his eyes, glaring at Sehun for not only daring to call Yixing  _ his guy _ , but also inviting him to eat with them. A giant grin grows on Yixing’s face, it makes Jongin slightly less angry about it. Yixing happily walks over to them, his dimple greeting the two younger dancers.

 

Sehun has always been peculiar, and this is no different. The fact that he’s willingly trying to become friends with Yixing shocks Jongin to the core. Not only is it working, but Sehun genuinely seems to like Yixing, and vice versa. It leaves Jongin speechless, really, because he hasn’t said much of anything since Yixing has sat down.

 

While Sehun and Yixing are having fun getting to know each other, sometimes Yixing gets stumped on how to put his message across, usually opting to throw words together that don’t make any grammatical sense at all. Jongin becomes Yixing’s translator of sorts given he can still understand Yixing while Sehun has no clue at all. Everytime he does so, Yixing sends him a warm smile. Jongin never returns it.

 

Jongin  _ can’t  _ return anything.

 

///

 

With only two weeks left to perfect their routine, Jongin can already very much feel the intensity of stress. As days go by, the busier him and Yixing start to get. Dance rehearsals in the morning, a small lunch break, and then back to rehearsing until nighttime and when Jongin can’t feel anything waist down. 

 

This period before a performance is the time Jongin is the most irritable, which everyone in the studio had quickly learned. Sehun even makes it a point to ignore Jongin completely during this time, only opting to send Jongin occasional texts of encouragement.

 

It’s the middle of the day, an hour or so before their usual lunch break time when everything goes wrong. Jongin’s wrist hurts, especially when he does a particular move. He’s running out of energy physically and mentally, and he’s so hungry he could eat Yixing if Jongin wasn’t so disgusted by the concept of cannibalism. Things like this make Jongin extremely irritable, and any one little thing that doesn’t go the way it should-

 

Jongin hears a loud thud next to him, causing his focus to be driven out of lane. Stopping the move he was about to make, he sees that Yixing had messed up the move previously and fell over. Nothing could have made Jongin more angry.

 

“Are you serious right now? The show is next week and you can’t even get the routine right? Jesus Christ I knew I should have just done a solo,” Jongin says, exasperated by Yixing’s little mistake. Jongin starts pacing around the room, running his hands roughly through his hair hoping it will help release the anger and stress that’s been built up in him. 

 

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Jongin starts to try and cool down. After his heart starts beating at a normal pace, he opens eyes and sees Yixing still on the floor. The older dancer has a pained look on his face, his eyes filled with rejection. It’s then when Jongin realizes what he had said to him before.

 

“Yixing-”

 

“Is it because I’m gay?” Yixing asks, his voice hard and cold. His eyes pierce through Jongin’s own, making his entire body rigid in place. “Do you hate me because I’m gay?”

 

“No, God, no,” Jongin quickly denies. He feels like the world’s biggest jerk, especially since he acted like a complete child towards Yixing.

 

He didn’t realize that his cold attitude would make Yixing think it was because Jongin hated him, or hate the idea of Yixing being gay. Although Jongin can now see how Yixing would have thought that, him too would think the same if he was in Yixing’s case. He feels like slapping himself.

 

“Look, I’m sorry. I get like this before performances, and I shouldn’t ask anyone to have to deal with that but… Just sorry,” Jongin says, hoping that enough sincerity is in his voice to make Yixing understand. 

 

Fed up with the guilt inside him, Jongin tries to leave to try and get some air, hoping that it clears his mind even a little bit. Yixing could use a break from him, too.

 

“Wait! Jongin!” Yixing exclaims, halting Jongin’s way to leave. Jongin turns his head back to Yixing, waiting for the other to continue. “I shouldn’t have said that either, I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

 

Jongin gives him a nod, hoping it’s enough to tell Yixing that it’s fine. 

 

They’re fine.

 

//

 

Jongin knows that glaring at Yixing anytime the other makes a mistake isn’t the nicest, and neither is entering and leaving the room without saying anything to the older dancer. He knows he’s rude, that he’s mean and just cold. He doesn’t think those are qualities that are at all friendly, so he has no clue why Yixing wants to be with Jongin any more than he already does.

 

“I just thought that it’d be fun to do something besides dance?” Yixing says, unsure that asking Jongin to hang out was a good idea or not. Regardless if it was Yixing asking or not, Jongin would be opposed to the idea because Jongin does not socialize.

 

“Thanks for the offer but I don’t really ever go out, not even with close friends,” Jongin tries to explain, not liking the sad puppy expression on Yixing’s face. “Don’t you have other friends you can go hang out with? I’m really no fun.”

 

Yixing scoffs, crossing his arms across his chest. “Jongin I don’t know if you’re aware but no one want to even close to the scary gay Chinese guy,” Yixing says, pouting at Jongin. Jongin grimaces when Yixing says this.

 

“Yes, I’m aware,” Jongin says slowly, peering at the older whose still pouting. What’s the worse that can actually happen? They’ll probably only go see a movie, and Jongin supposes it would be fun. The only thing stopping him is thinking about the atmosphere between the two of them, which is still pretty tense. Jongin supposes he can invite Sehun too. “Can Sehun come with?”

 

Yixing’s eyes light up, nodding enthusiastically. Jongin gives Yixing a strained smile before agreeing, which only makes Yixing happier. Perhaps, Jongin thinks, giving Yixing a chance wouldn’t hurt, either.

 

When Jongin asked Sehun if he wanted to go, Sehun was more excited about the fact that Jongin was hanging out with someone than the actual hanging out. Either way, Sehun agreed also happy about the fact that it would be Yixing going.

 

In the end, the three of them ended up seeing a movie that Jongin fell asleep halfway through. The drool on Sehun’s shoulder almost broke their friendship of five years, but besides that Jongin had a fun time and it wasn’t terrible like he’d thought. He did, apparently, get a great sleep even without one of his dogs.

 

When the three of them were watching the movie, Jongin is glad he made Sehun sit in between him and Yixing. It sure would have made them more awkward if Jongin happened to drool on Yixing’s shoulder instead. Unlike the time the three of them ate lunch together, Jongin and Yixing interacted more without the help of Sehun. Mostly they talked about the dance and the upcoming performance but at least they managed something. That was a win in Jongin’s book, anyway.

 

//

 

The days before their performance fly by before Jongin even has the chance to think about it, to the point where Jongin can barely remember any details about those days.

 

It almost worries him. Does he at least remember the moves? One part of Jongin (the logical Jongin) thinks that of course Jongin remembers, each dance stays with him for a very long time. The nervous Jongin thinks otherwise.

 

Yixing sends him a warm smile, putting his hand on Jongin’s shoulder and whispering a comforting ‘fighting!’. It manages to ease Jongin’s nerves just a bit.

 

They’re called up on stage, the music starts and Jongin finds his body moving before he can even acknowledge what’s happening. Once he’s back in his mind, he let’s his body do the moves with the precision he’s been working so hard to be able to do. He almost feels robotic because his mind and his body are at two different paces and comprehension, and Jongin lets it. He owes it to himself to finish this, for the studio but also to Yixing. 

 

Jongin sneaks a quick glance to Yixing, only to see the other in complete concentration in doing the same moves as Jongin. Jongin’s stage persona crumbles a bit, as Jongin smiles at Yixing not necessarily expecting one back. As the dance starts finishing, Jongin is glad he had this opportunity to work with Yixing, after having such a poor judgement of him beforehand. If there is one thing Yixing can do above living, it is definitely dance.

 

The rest of the performance flies by without Jongin even realizing it. One moment, he was flying and moving with the beat of the song, and then he's suddenly bowing to the audience and heading backstage. He suddenly feels strong arms wrap around his body.

 

“Jongin! We did it!” Yixing half screams half whispers. Jongin only smiles, thinking  _ yes, we did _ . Jongin laughs, thinking about how much he hated the idea of having to work with Yixing. For the first time, Jongin can’t stop himself from giving back. 

 

He hugs Yixing back.

 

Yixing stops the celebratory dancing he was doing previously and freezes at the touch of Jongin’s arms around him. Jongin doesn’t let go, hoping Yixing won’t think it’s too weird that he’s hugging back. Thankfully, Yixing hugs back and they stay like that for a moment, with neither of them saying a word but instead sharing a nice moment with each other.

 

Later, when Jongin’s home cuddled up with his dogs, Sehun sends him a video of Jongin’s performance. Hastily, Jongin watches it, genuinely curious of how the performance turned out.

 

Once he hits play, as much as he wants to be able to watch his own self and try to critique himself, he just can’t take his eyes off Yixing. If Jongin’s honest, he’s sure that’s what the audience were thinking as well because who would look at Jongin if Yixing is right there?

 

As a dancer, Jongin wants to feel envy. He should feel envious of Yixing’s ability to easily capture the audience, he should feel envious of how Yixing managed to nail a move better than he ever could. He should, but he doesn’t. It can’t make Jongin feel more confused; if it isn’t envy then what is it? What is this feeling that’s making it impossible for him to think straight?

 

The video ends and his phone screen turns black, leaving Jongin to sit there and a complete jumble of thoughts he can’t decipher. Jongin groans, hoping his dog will save him from this.

 

Jongin thinks that perhaps the feeling is sadness. He’s not had a dance partner for years, perhaps he’s gotten attached to Yixing? Jongin’s not even sure how often he will be seeing Yixing now that they’re not obligated to work together. Not possible to hang out either, because they never exchanged numbers as weird as it sounds.

 

Walking into the studio the next day is terrible, considering the lack of sleep Jongin had. The studio is throwing another small party, to celebrate the success of all the performances. Jongin agrees to go this time, willingly without the encouragement of Sehun, but it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.

 

He eats some cake, steals the snacks and bothers Sehun but even all that gets tiring after a while. Instead, Jongin decides to leave and practice dancing a bit before going back home and having another crisis.

 

When Jongin enters his room, he surprised to see Yixing already there. What surprises Jongin even more is the fact that Yixing isn’t dancing, but is instead crouched against the wall with a frown.

 

“Yixing?” Jongin starts, walking over to the dancer. Yixing looks up, eyes widening once he realizes that he’s been walked in to.

 

“Oh, sorry,” he immediately stands up. “I know this is basically your room but I didn’t know where else to go,” he says, scratching his neck. Through the past weeks, Jongin has noticed that Yixing usually sports a blanked out expression, but never like the one he has now. He looks miserable.

 

“Are...are you okay?” Jongin asks, trying to sound as genuine as he feels. Jongin isn’t the most sociable, so he can only hope he’s portraying himself right.

 

“I…,” Yixing starts, but at the sight of tears forming, Jongin sits Yixing down where he was previously.

 

He doesn’t know why, but he lets Yixing cry on his shoulder. He doesn’t ask questions, only letting Yixing release whatever feelings he needs to let out. 

 

Jongin let’s Yixing cry on his shoulder for a while, but soon gets uncomfortable by wetness of his clothes. He stands up, telling Yixing that he’ll be back in the softest voice he can manage, and does to the restroom to clean himself up. He also takes some tissues to bring to Yixing too thinking the boy would appreciate it. 

 

Once he enters the room, he sees that Yixing’s tears have already stopped. Still, Jongin hands him the tissues he got for him.

 

“Sorry for crying on you,” Yixing says, wiping his face with the tissues. Before Jongin can tell him that he doesn’t mind, Yixing beats him. “I um, I got a call from my mom. She told me my grandma’s been diagnosed with breast cancer.”

 

Jongin’s heart breaks. As he says it, Yixing’s tears start up again. Jongin can’t do anything but watch, until Yixing pulls him for a hug and Jongin lets him. It doesn’t stop there either, when eventually Yixing grabs Jongin’s hand and puts it on Yixing’s head, moving it in a petting manner. After Yixing lets go, Jongin understands what Yixing was trying to tell him and he continues to play with Yixing’s hair, thinking this must be the way Yixing wants to be comforted.

 

//

 

For the next weeks, Jongin found himself spending time with Yixing more than he did previously when they were working on the dance together. Yixing only likes Jongin's room to practice his dancing, and Jongin doesn't have the heart to tell him to leave.

 

Each day, Yixing comes in with the brightest of smiles. Neither of them mention the day after the performance, and neither of them mention the obvious shift in their relationship. Jongin doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to make Yixing sad again, but he's sure Yixing's still keeping in touch with news of his grandmother. Sometimes Jongin overhears phone calls in what he believes to be Mandarin and lets Yixing be until the other feels good enough to come back and dance with Jongin.

 

When Jongin takes a break to eat lunch, Yixing follows him, sometimes even treating both him and Sehun to fried chicken because it's the only thing Yixing can afford. Jongin appreciates the effort and always finishes every single bite of chicken he can. 

 

Every time the three eat lunch together, Sehun never says a word about their new addition. Even when Yixing goes to the bathroom or goes to get a spoon, Sehun never says anything besides nice comments towards Yixing. Jongin doesn't know why, but it makes his heart feel content and it eases him to continue eating in peace. He knows the other dancers of the studio like to glare and stare in the direction of where he's sitting, and it puts Jongin off to some extent but at least Sehun doesn't mind. For now, Jongin thinks that's enough.

 

Today Jongin and Yixing are working on two different dances. Jongin doesn't think working in the same room should work, but it does considering how focused the two are on their separate dances. Once Jongin feels satisfied with a certain move, he considers that time for a reward and starts getting ready for lunch.

 

This time, he waits for Yixing. When Yixing finally finishes, he turns around happy to see that Jongin has waited for him. 

 

The two start walking to the cafeteria in complete silence, but thankfully it doesn't make Jongin feel awkward. When the two start getting close to the cafeteria, Jongin hears his phone ding. It’s from Sehun.

 

_ I got a thing so I can’t do lunch today. Have fun with Yixing hyung! _

 

Jongin bites his lip nervously, sneaking a glance at Yixing. Yixing is staring right back at him, raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner.

 

“It was Sehun, he uh...can’t make it today,” Jongin tells him, fiddling his hands away from Yixing’s sight. His palms are already sweating at the fact that he will be alone with Yixing, and that itself is making Jongin more nervous. He’s spent time alone with Yixing plenty of times, all the time really, yet having lunch is suddenly hard?

 

“Well that’s good for my wallet, then,” Yixing jokes, nodding his head towards the cafeteria room. Jongin slowly, entering the cafeteria with Yixing. Jongin thinks everything will be alright.

 

Until it’s not. 

 

Only days later, when Yixing is trying to convince him that dressing up as dinosaurs would be a practical Halloween costume, Yixing gets a call from his mom.

 

His grandma is in critical condition and Yixing needs to go back home, all the way back to China. 

 

Jongin  _ doesn’t _  sulk, he really doesn’t. Sehun thinks otherwise as he sees his friend pitifully cuddle with his dogs. 

 

“Jongin, he’ll be back,” Sehun reassures him, rolling his eyes at his friend despite truly understanding what Jongin might be feeling at the moment. He went from being mean to Yixing to spending practically every second with him and actually enjoying the company. Even Sehun wouldn’t spend that amount of time with Jongin, only because Jongin would find a way to get away from Sehun.

 

“I’m not upset,” Jongin sighs, throwing a pillow at Sehun’s direction, but instead hitting the floor. Sehun picks up the pillow and successfully throws it back to Jongin’s head.

 

“Try me, bitch,” Sehun spits out, pouting where he sits. Any understanding he had in his body was hit out of him, even if Jongin’s pillow missed him. Jongin sighs one more time.

 

//

 

Jongin still goes to the studio, still dances, still continues his way of living before Yixing crashed in his life like the ocean to the sand. Jongin, although will never admit it to himself, hopes that like an ocean, Yixing will keep crashing into his life continually. 

 

He starts having doubts. He gets very short and infrequent texts from Yixing to a point where Jongin gives up trying at all. It only makes Jongin look at his phone for moments before he has to return to the real life. 

 

Even lunch is less enjoyable without Yixing constantly blabbering about things that don’t make sense to Jongin, and especially without all the chicken Yixing likes to buy him. The thing that makes it the least enjoyable is the other dancers.

 

He’s been hearing it everywhere.

 

“Apparently that Yixing guy has to stay in China or something. Guess he finally got tired of trying to be someone here.”

 

“His grandma is sick or something. Hopefully he  _ does _ stay there.”

 

“I’m kinda glad that Chinese dude is gone, especially away from Jongin. God, how pitiful was that, huh? Jongin is so nice.”

 

Jongin abruptly stands from his table, clenching his fists and leaving the cafeteria with harsh steps to the floor. How could they think that? Jongin likes spending time with Yixing, why wouldn’t he? Yixing is his friend, he’s nice, funny and understanding, which is something those people could never have.

 

It isn’t until Jongin reaches his room when he realizes just how much Yixing means to him. Yixing, who was still so kind to him even when Jongin was cold. Yixing, who insists on hanging out with Jongin nevermind how bad of company Jongin is. Yixing, who managed to warm Jongin up. Yixing, who has something Jongin never has: bravery.

 

Jongin lets his tears fall, knees to his chest and against the door to the room. He can’t like Yixing this way, especially now if he might not come back. 

 

He can’t have feelings for Yixing like this, especially not in the environment and people he’s around. Not after all he’s been through.

 

Jongin tries, for the following days, to forget about Yixing. He tries to delete his number, only to end up sending Yixing a message of encouragement. He tries to talk to other dancers in the studio, only for them to only talk badly of Yixing and resulting in Jongin locking himself up in his room again. Even for Yixing’s sake, he tries to go out more, but finds out that the comfort of his dogs is always better than drowning himself in alcohol.

 

“Only you understand me,” Jongin whispers to his dog, who in return licks Jongin’s hand. Jongin sighs, realizing how pathetic he looks talking to his dog.

 

Suddenly, Jongin hears a knock on the door. Jongin groans, not standing up for a while, in hopes of delaying the time he had to interact with another human.

 

When Yixing appears on the other side of the door, Jongin doesn’t even know how to describe the heavy feeling in his heart. Once he starts feeling tears in his eyes, Yixing gives him a bright smile before pulling him into a hug.

 

_ He’s back _ , Jongin repeats in his head. 

 

“Hi,” Yixing whispers, his hot breath hitting Jongin’s neck only making Jongin embrace the older man. 

 

“Hey,” Jongin responds dumbly, a smile on his face he can’t force to stop even if he wanted to. As he breathes in, he gets the scent of Yixing that he loves so much. The warm honey scent that eases Jongin.

 

“Can we...talk?” Yixing asks, not holding Jongin as tightly as before. With his arms still around Yixing, Jongin nods.

 

“I guess I came here to tell you something,” Yixing says before pausing. He pulls away from Jongin, tilting his head up a bit to look at Jongin in the eye. “I like you, like in the weird Chinese gay guy way that I am. I just wanted you to know that if you want to continue having this friendship with me,” he says slowly, still looking at Jongin in the eyes without fear or regret. It brings tears to Jongin’s eyes because when will he ever be like Yixing? When will he ever feel brave enough to be this accepting towards his own sexuality?

 

A brave man like Yixing doesn’t need a cowardly man like Jongin. Jongin, who has scars so deep containing all his secrets he’s not willing to share.

 

“Yixing…” Jongin starts, but Yixing cuts him off.

 

“No, you don’t have to respond. I just wanted you to know,” Yixing says, giving Jongin a weak smile. “I already know that guys like me don’t get guys like you-”

 

“No, you’re wrong. You can have me, but I don’t deserve you,” Jongin blurts out, completely letting what he feels out. “I’m- I’m g-,” Jongin stops, shutting his eyes tightly before continuing. “I’m gay, like you,” Jongin whispers. “And I like you, too.”

 

“Of course you deserve me,” Yixing starts, pulling Jongin into his arms once again. He starts soothing Jongin by running his fingers through his hair. “You could’ve not done that dance with me. You could’ve quit, or thrown a tantrum.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Oh, well you could have thrown a tantrum at me, right? But you didn’t. Sure, you were a bit cold in the beginning but I assumed you were just shy, and I was right. You are shy, it’s cute,” Yixing finishes off, his laugh hitting Jongin right in his heart.  “Despite me having a bad reputation around the studio, you still sat down for lunch with me. Still performed with me. Still let me dance with you even after you weren’t obligated to do so anymore. You were nice to me and treated me like a human.”

 

“So did Sehun,” Jongin protests, pouting because he’s not even sure what he’s trying to fight for anymore. 

 

“Yes, but I don’t like Sehun that way. Just you.” Yixing pulls away, smiling as he stares at Jongin. 

 

“Yixing, you deserve someone who will be proud of dating you and won’t be afraid of telling it to anyone. I’m a coward,” Jongin says, resulting in Yixing frowning.

 

“I don’t need you to do that for me. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me and I’ll be completely fine with it. We all go at different paces,” Yixing tells him, rubbing at the side of Jongin’s arm to help reassure him. Jongin nods, understanding what Yixing has told him.

 

“I was so scared of you not coming back,” Jongin admits truthfully, eyes looking down instead of looking at Yixing. “I guess I haven’t had the greatest experiences with publicly dating men so that’s made me a bit hesitant and afraid.”

 

“That’s perfectly valid, Jongin,” Yixing tells him. Jongin bites his lip nervously, until Yixing speaks again. “Can I kiss you?”

 

The question brings Jongin back to a time where he was bullied for being gay, when his parents almost completely disowned him for it and thinking Jongin just hasn’t found the right lady yet, when his own high school boyfriend sold him over in order to not have to deal with the stigma of being gay in Korea. When Jongin started hating himself for this part of him.

 

Even with all that baggage Jongin caries, he feels himself nod and then feels Yixing’s plump lips press against his own. As he kisses Yixing back with the same amount of passion Yixing has, he knows that this feeling can’t be wrong. 

 

Jongin’s a little bruised and tattered, but Yixing is helping him heal himself.


End file.
